Fox News, which always has its thumb so squarely on the pulse of what The Youngs are up to, figured out why the Hobby Lobby ruling has caused such a flap. No, not because it’s deeply unsettling that a corporation can impose a religious, unscientific belief on its employees. It’s because there are lonely ladies whose bitter singleness has calcified and become malignant.
“I call them the Beyoncé voters, the single ladies. Obama won the single ladies by 76 percent last time, and they made up about a quarter of the electorate. You know, they depend on government because they’re not depending on their husbands,” said contributor and noted Lady Expert Jesse Watters. “They need things like contraception, health care, and they love to talk about equal pay.”
To be fair, this is one of the least-insulting comparisons Watters could have made. Beyoncé is to women under 40 as tiny flag pins and Ronald Reagan are to conservatives. Near-universally popular, and if you don’t like it, well, you’d better keep that to yourself.
So Watters has me—and all of us!—on this one. Or one-quarter of the American electorate, at least. For those of you who aren’t Beyoncé voters, I’d like to give you a peek into our world. Every word of the following applies to one-quarter of the American electorate. We are a monolithic block, each and every one dedicated to premarital sex, hedonism, socialism, white wine, and tweeting about misogyny.
We are unmarried. Since we have no husbands, we have been dropping constant hints to the federal government that it’s about time we tied the knot so that Dream Wedding Pinterest board can finally be used. Sadly, the federal government has stopped texting us back, but we’re hoping it’s just because the federal government is sick or busy with his mom or something.
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